


An Awkward Conversation

by SunnieBelle



Category: Leviathan - Scott Westerfeld
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Lies, Secrets, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 00:36:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17612093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunnieBelle/pseuds/SunnieBelle
Summary: How Alek has discovered the truth, Deryn doesn't know or really care. Determined not to lose her best friend, she sets out to make him understand that her lie was not intended to hurt him. Even if it shatters her heart in the process.





	An Awkward Conversation

He knew.

Prince Aleksandar of Hohenburg knew that she was really Deryn Sharp—not "Dylan Sharp", as she had been telling everyone for months. How he had figured it out, she didn't know. And at the moment, she didn't care.

She ran down the dark corridor of the _Leviathan_ , desperate to catch him, to try and explain.

"Alek." She whispered loudly. He didn't slow or even acknowledge that she had spoken.

"Alek!" She called, louder this time. He just kept walking away.

She paused, knowing that he _had_ heard her that time. Her irritation with him grew and she spurted forward.

"You daft prince! _Stop_!" She whispered sharply, reaching out to grab his shoulder, forcing him to face her. The hurt, angry, disappointed eyes he leveled her with sent a knife through her heart.

"You lied to me." He whispered, steel in his voice.

She reached for sarcasm first, trying to hide her own hurt and fear. "Well, that's pretty barking obvious. Anything else obvious to say?" she asked quietly, her irritation making her Scottish accent more pronounced.

His expression, one of shock, normally would have made her laugh—but not now. "All your talk of duty when you're not even a soldier!" he exclaimed softly. 

"I _am_ a barking soldier!" She said through clenched teeth.

"You're a girl dressed up like one." A sharp pain shot through her from his cutting remark. She watched as the spoiled Austrian prince turned to leave, evidently done talking about this subject and dismissing her. Deryn's hurt quickly faded, anger causing it to melt away.

"Say that again." She demanded quietly.

He didn't acknowledge her and just kept walking. Her anger grew—he wasn't even _trying_ to let her explain. Fine, she would make him listen to her, one way or another.

She reached out and shoved him hard, watching him trip over his own feet and fall on his hands and knees. It seemed to take a few seconds for him to realize what had happened.

"Did you just...shove me?" He asked in disbelief, turning his head to look back at her.

"Aye!" She answered, anger burning white-hot within her. She repeated her statement. "Say that again."

He stood, looking slightly confused. "Say what again?"

"That I'm not a real soldier." She clarified, knowing that he would do so.

"Very well. You aren't a real—oof!" His words cut off abruptly, her fist suddenly connecting solidly with his stomach. He stumbled backwards against a stateroom door, struggling to regain his breath.

Part of her felt satisfied, but most of her just felt pained with hurting him.

He stood straighter—looking furious now, too—his hands came up in a defensive manner, ready to take a swing at her. She stood ready for his retaliation.

Slowly, he lowered his fists. "Are you proposing that we settle this matter with a fistfight?" He asked carefully, his voice still angry.

"I'm proposing that you say I'm a _real_ soldier!" Her tone warned him that she meant it.

Strangely, he gave her a smug smile. "Is that how real soldiers cry?" He asked sarcastically.

Suddenly she felt the tear that was slowly trekking down her cheek. She quickly brushed it away, embarrassed, but trying to hide it behind her anger.

"That's not crying. That's just..." She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes widening as the door behind Alek opened.

Dr. Busk, the _Leviathan's_ head surgeon, stood in the doorway. He looked tired and annoyed at being woken up at this absurd hour.

"What's going on here, Sharp?" He asked warily, looking at them both. However, his eyes lingered on Alek—probably remembering that the prince had already escaped this airship once.

She quickly lowered her fists to her sides, her brain racing to come up with a suitable excuse.

"Nothing, sir. We thought we heard one of the Russians wandering about. But it might be that a sniffer's got loose."

The Boffin looked both ways, searching the dark corridors for any movement. "A sniffer, eh? Well, whatever it is, keep it quiet, boy."

She saw Alek move and her heart raced, wondering what he would say.

"Our apologies, sir." The boy bowed slightly.

"Not at all, Your Highness. Good night." Dr. Busk said and backed into his stateroom, shutting the door.

She looked at Alek, realizing that she wasn't doing a good job of hiding her fear. Deryn knew that he could have turned her in just now. He silently searched her face and seemed to be disappointed with what he saw there. Alek turned on his heel and headed for his stateroom.

Deryn followed, not bothering to ask if she could come along. He sighed, but didn't object. When they reached his room, he opened the door and waited for her.

"Ladies first." He said sarcastically, motioning for her to go ahead of him.

"Get stuffed!" She retorted, but was too exhausted to argue.

She walked in, watching as he secured the door and sat at his desk. She was too wound up to sit down, so she paced the room. Suddenly she was glad that they had left Bovril in the middies' mess-hall, thankful that the clever beastie wouldn't be able to interrupt or repeat any of their conversation.

She waited, determined that Prince Aleksandar would be the first one to break the silence.

After a moment of staring at his hands, he spoke. "That wasn't a bad punch."

She snorted. "For a girl, you mean?"

"For anyone." He responded, rubbing the affected area gingerly, his eyes still focused on the table.

He finally looked her in the eyes as he stated, "I shouldn't have said that. You are a real soldier—quite a good one, in fact...but you aren't much of a friend."

Those words felt like someone had twisted the metaphorical knife in her heart. She did nothing to try and stop the lone tear that suddenly spilled over.

"How can you say that?" She asked, not believing what she was hearing.

Still looking her in the eye, his jaw clenched as he spoke, carefully enunciating every word. "I told you everything. All my secrets."

"Aye, and I've kept them all too." She shot back at him.

As though he hadn't heard her, he began to list them on his fingers. "You were the first member of this crew to know who my father was. You're the only one who knows about my letter from the pope. You know everything about me!"

Suddenly he stood and turned his back on her, as though looking at her was too painful.

"But you couldn't tell me about _this?_ You're my best friend—and in some ways, my only friend—and you don't trust me." He hung his head with those last words, truly believing them.

"Alek, it's not that!" She exclaimed.

She felt a dire need to make him understand, but she _couldn't_ tell him the truth. She couldn't possibly admit that she was in love with him. He would run a mile if he knew. Because he was a Prince, an Archduke, next in-line for the barking throne of Austria-Hungary! And she was as common as _dirt_.

Alek spun to face her when she didn't explain further.

"So you lie simply to amuse yourself? 'Sorry, Dr. Busk, it might be that a sniffer's got loose.'" He said, giving a poor imitation of her Scottish accent.

"It's as natural to you as breathing, isn't it?" He said, his voice sounding disgusted.

She gaped for a moment. "You think I'm here for my amusement?!"

Deryn turned away, walking to the window, searching for some response to his question.

Her mind replayed something he had told her—after she had shared with him the details of her father's fiery death in the ballooning accident and her resulting fear of fire—before he had escaped in Istanbul.

She whirled around to face him, ire suddenly flashing in her again. "That's a bit odd. Because when you thought I was a boy, you said it was barking _brave_ for me to serve on this ship!"

This statement seemed to halt his reply for a moment. "All right. You're an airman because your father was." He paused and let out a tired sigh. "That is, if he really was your father."

She clenched her jaw and scowled at him. "Of course he was, you ninny. My brother's crew-mates knew Jaspert had a sister, so we made up another branch of the family. There's no more to it than that."

"I suppose all your lies have a certain logic to them." Alek countered.

He suddenly looked at her, anger appearing on his face again. "So in my case, you thought I'd be a stuffy, arrogant prince who'd turn you in!"

"Don't be daft." She said impatiently.

"I saw your face when Dr. Busk caught us in the corridor. You thought you were done for." He argued and pointed an accusing finger at her for emphasis. "You don't trust me!"

"You're being a _dummkopf_. I only thought he might have heard us arguing. We'd said enough for him to figure it out." She retorted, knowing that this was only half true.

This statement seemed to make him think though and he looked in the direction of Dr. Busk's room. He sighed and sat back down. Deryn walked forward and took the chair opposite him at the desk.

"I know you'll keep my secret, Alek." She stated calmly, her blue eyes staring into his green ones.

"As you have kept mine." The steel had returned to his voice.

"Always." Deryn promised.

"Then why didn't you _tell_ me?" He pleaded, his voice and face revealing his pain and confusion. 

This was her chance to explain—at least as much as she could.

She took a long, steadying breath and stared hard at her hands, which were splayed out on the desk's surface. She knew if she looked at him right now, she'd clam up.

"I almost told you when you first came aboard, when you thought I might get in trouble for hiding you. They'd never hang a girl, you see?" She stated and he nodded, but looked as though he didn't agree with that comment.

"When we were in Istanbul and I thought we'd never get back aboard the _Leviathan_ , I tried a dozen times to tell you! And just a week ago in the rookery, after Newkirk mentioned my 'uncle', I almost told you then, too." Of course, that was just to name a few, but she didn't dare name them all.

She struggled to keep her voice level as she continued. "But, I didn't want to...to ruin everything between us."

He looked confused by this, slowly asking, "Ruin everything? What do you mean?"

She stiffened—suddenly regretting her choice of words—realizing where this conversation was headed. She felt desperate to protect her bruised heart.

"It's nothing." She said quickly.

"It's obviously not nothing." He said, wanting an answer.

She retracted her hands from the surface of the desk, but stayed silent, not sure how to answer him.

After a long silence he spoke, obviously not willing to drop the subject.

"Tell me, Deryn." Alek said slowly, using her real name for the first time.

"I thought you couldn't stand to know." She said, evading the real reason. However, this just seemed to fuel his anger.

"You mean you thought I was too delicate? You thought my fragile pride would crumble, just because some girl can tie better knots than me?" He asked, sounding offended and disbelieving.

"No! Volger may have thought that, but not me." She defended herself, but realized her mistake too late.

His eyes shut tight. "Why didn't he tell me?!"

"He didn't want to upset you." She explained, but already knew he wouldn't believe such a thing of Count Volger.

He shot out of his chair, his face and voice furious. "That's another lie! I see it all now. _This_ is why you helped us escape—why you've kept my secrets. _Not_ because you're my friend. But because Volger was blackmailing you all along!"

She shook her head slowly, not believing what she was hearing, what he believed her capable of. "No, Alek! I did all that because I'm your friend and ally!" She declared, her eyes begging him to believe her.

The prince shook his head, not buying it. "But how can I _know_ that? All you've done is lie to me."

Deryn couldn't speak, her mind numb.

But Alek was just getting started. He paced the small stateroom. "That's why Volger never told me, so that he could hold it over you." He suddenly turned, pointing accusingly at her. "Everything you've done was to protect _yourself!_ "

More tears fell of their own accord but she went on. "Alek, you're being daft. Volger might have tried to blackmail me, but I was your friend _long_ before he knew."

"How can I believe you?" He asked boldly.

"Volger wasn't with us in Istanbul, was he?" She said firmly. "Do you think I jumped ship and joined your barking revolution for _him?!_ " She exclaimed, gesturing as though the man were in the room.

Clenching his fists, Alek began to pace again. "I don't know."

She leaned forward in her seat, desperate for him to understand. "I didn't go to Istanbul because of _Volger_ or because of any mission. I was never meant to reach the city, just the Straits. You know that, right?"

Alek seemed to struggle with this question, as though he were trying to sort through all that had happened in past few months. "Your men were caught and you were cut off from the _Leviathan._ So you had no choice but to join me."

"No, you daft prince! That's just what I told the officers." She said in frustration. "There were a hundred British ships at harbor in Istanbul. I could've taken one into the Mediterranean anytime I wanted. But Volger said you were in danger, that you'd stay in the city and fight instead of hiding."

Without warning, emotions that she had been burying for months bubbled to the surface.

"And I couldn't let you do that all alone. I had to _save you_!" She exclaimed, her voice breaking. She took a deep, shaking breath, trying to calm down.

"You're my best friend, Alek, and I couldn't lose you." She said slowly, desperation in her voice. "I'd do _anything_ not to lose you..."

She stopped when he suddenly paused in his pacing. He was looking at her oddly, as though he didn't fully understand what she was trying to tell him.

"What do you mean, lose me? I'd already run away."

She gritted her teeth and cursed herself, refusing to say more. "That's all you need to know, you daft prince, that I'm your friend."

Feeling an urgent need to escape, she quickly reminded him, "I have to go collect the beastie, before it starts looking for us. It might wake somebody up."

She swiftly walked from the room and shut the door behind her, cutting off anything else he might have said. She wiped her face with her sleeve, not wanting to have to explain her tears if she passed a crewman on the way. She tried hard to shove down the jumble of emotions that swirled within her.

She retraced her steps to the mess hall and was grateful to find the perspicacious loris where they had left it.

Luckily, the halls were dark and quiet the entire way back to her quarters. She let herself into the room and motioned to Bovril for silence, not wanting to wake Newkirk.

She didn't bother changing into different clothes, simply put the beastie on the foot of her small bed and crawled beneath the covers. She pulled them over her head and just lay there, staring blankly at the darkness, feeling completely numb, raw and exhausted.

She wanted to sleep, but her mind kept buzzing with thoughts.

Everything about the past few hours suddenly became clear to her, given the awkward conversation with Alek a few minutes ago. His jumpiness and unease, the suspicious looks he had given her at odd times, why he had not wanted her to be the one to sneak into and search Tesla's room—they all made so much sense now. He had been struggling with the truth about who she really was.

Suddenly her mind replayed their conversation. She heard the anger in his voice, saw the distrust and hurt in his eyes.

It twisted the knife further into her bruised heart and split open the fragile seams of her emotions. Tears poured from her eyes and she felt a sob building in her throat. She buried her head in the pillow and finally gave way to her grief.

Several long moments later, Bovril crawled onto her and curled up in the crook of her neck, attempting to console her with its warmth. The beasties' purring and gentle rubbing against her aching head, sadly did nothing to help her shattered heart.

Nothing would heal that wound now. Nothing...except the requited love of a certain daft prince.

And that was something that could never happen.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the conversation between Alek and Deryn in chapter 12 of _Goliath_ (Book 3 of the _Leviathan_ trilogy), but from Deryn's perspective. I've always wondered what was going through Deryn's mind when they were having this conversation and this is what I imagine her thoughts would be.
> 
> I hope this story was enjoyable!
> 
> All credit goes to the amazing Scott Westerfeld!


End file.
